Nolte: Olivia Nuzzi’s Memoir Biggest Bomb Since ‘Howard the Duck’

Serial Sidepiece Olivia Nuzzi sold only 1,165 copies of her memoir, American Canto, in its first highly-publicized week of release.

This feels like a miracle.

A miracle of fail.

Consider all she had going for her…

Nuzzi is at the center of a national political scandal—no, two scandals: a sex scandal and a journalism scandal. Additionally, prior to the release of the book, she received a glowing profile in the far-left New York Times and had an excerpt published front and center in Vanity Fair. Oh, and let’s not forget there are 350 million people in this country.

That 1,165 might not include e-books or audiobooks… Still. Man.

Can I tell you why I think this happened…?

Sure, the memoir received scathing reviews. Sure, the excerpt revealed a toxic narcissist in love with her own voice, a destructive addiction to the Thesaurus, and prose so purple it looked like a bruise. But, come on; that never stopped similar junk from selling. Americans love all-about-me melodrama. Look at reality TV.

No, what doomed American Canto was its phoniness.

Nuzzi wanted to play the romantic role of a ruined woman without paying the actual price.

What I mean is that she put herself out there as someone whose career and reputation (both professional and personal) had been destroyed by a torrid affair with one of the most famous and powerful men in American politics, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. And a Kennedy, no less! In her interviews, in her statements, in what I could glean from the descriptions of her book, she posed as a woman slapped with a National Scarlet Letter, hunted by a media elite that had turned on her, and was hiding out from people who wanted her dead. Her life was in smoldering ashes, and American Canto would see her rise from those ashes—and, oh, boy, if there’s one thing Americans love more than sex and political scandals, it’s comebacks.

But that pose was an obvious lie.

Olivia Nuzzi was hiding out in … Malibu.

Olivia Nuzzi was so spurned by the elite media that the New York Times published a major profile of her, a love letter meant to launch her as Joan Didion II: Lantern Jaw.

Olivia Nuzzi’s career was in such ruins she had just been hired by Vanity Fair as its West Coast editor.

Without paying the actual reputational and professional price that, say, Ingrid Bergman did when she abandoned her husband and daughter for Italian director Roberto Rossellini, Nuzzi pretended she was paying that price so she could enjoy the upside: the attention and romanticism, the mythology, and maybe even a firm place in the history of famous women brought low by an ill-fated romance.

Instead, look at her—she’s right here, not paying the price.

Good heavens, the affair wasn’t even an affair. Even if you believe her, all they did was exchange some randy texts.

It was such obvious bullshit from a spoiled theater kid who orchestrated a melodrama so she could play-act going through hell … while driving down Malibu’s Pacific Coast Highway in a convertible as Vanity Fair’s West Coast Editor.

People wanted to read Ingrid Bergman’s memoir because she’d walked through real flames. What was that like? they wondered. What did she learn? Does she have any regrets? It’s the same with Princess Diana, Tina Turner… Scars matter in these things. Sunglasses, scarves, the ocean breeze in your hair, and a convertible are not scars.

Well, now Nuzzi has unexpectedly seen her wish come true. Vanity Fair fired her. Her cuck ex is carpet bombing her. American Canto is so bad the reviews turned her into a joke. The allegation that Kennedy happened to be the second time the home-wrecking hussy betrayed her professional ethics (former Gov. Mark Sanford was allegedly her first), has made her look more predator than prey. Above all, the widespread belief she might have been able to kill Kennedy’s nomination as HHS Secretary has made her toxic in the corporate media.

Now it really is ashes.

Her next book might actually be interesting.

John Nolte’s first and last novel, Borrowed Time, is winning five-star raves from everyday readers. You can read an excerpt here and an in-depth review here. Also available in hardcover and on Kindle and Audiobook.