The Surprisingly Superior Empathy Alternative: Compassionate Objectivity

I’d bet a pint of Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day that anyone who’s been a financial advisor for more than a minute has been faced with a client crying at some point. Some would even argue, only half kiddingly, that if you haven’t had someone cry in your presence as a financial advisor, you’re probably not doing it right.

But almost none of us have gotten any training on what to do—and what not to do—when a client reaches that intensity of emotion in our presence. Yet there is a right and wrong way to handle it; or, at least, a better and worse way.

I’ll share what I’ve learned about that, but first, I want to address the elephant in the room and the tools at our disposal.

The Elephant In The Room

The elephant is, quite appropriately, according to Jonathan Haidt’s beloved analogy for Daniel Kahneman’s System 1 / System 2 duo, the emotion itself.

The quick episode recap is that Kahneman (whose death surprised us a second time when we learned that he chose the precise date and time for his demise) illuminated our understanding of human decision-making by explaining two operating systems in our brains: System 1, the near-instantaneous emotional processor, and System 2, the slower rational processor. Haidt then gave us the helpful analogy of the emotional elephant for System 1 and the rational rider for System 2, illustrating that the enormity and strength of the elephant suggest that when the elephant and rider are in conflict, the elephant always wins.

The bottom line for us, as financial advisors, is that we humans are emotional beings; that most of our decisions, maybe especially financial decisions, are made on an emotional level; and that an integral part of our development, therefore, is to learn how to navigate the emotional complexity of our clients with the same degree of professionalism as we do our more seemingly rational analyses. (I say “seemingly” because even the most complex and numerical investment, insurance, estate, tax, and retirement analyses are still emotional at their core.)

Furthermore—and no doubt frustratingly—we cannot counter emotional conundrums with rational calculations. That’s why the University of Chicago professor who coined the term “behavioral economics,” Richard Thaler, told me years ago that advisors need to be just as skilled in the personal and psychological realm as they are in the numerical and financial.

“No one would think that somebody’s qualified to be a financial adviser if they don’t know the difference between a stock and a bond, but people think it’s perfectly fine to be a financial adviser without knowing the difference between ‘System 1’ and ‘System 2’ or loss aversion,” Thaler said.

He even gave more specific instructions: “If the main thing that a financial adviser does in a session with a client involves looking at spreadsheets, then they’re not doing their job.” [Wow!] “It is as much psychology as it is finance.”

The Tools At Our Disposal

What, then, are the tools at our disposal? The 101 answer is empathy. You probably remember that empathy means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s not easy, and it takes practice, but it is an effective way to better understand another person’s perspective. Although empathy’s positive impact is limited when it is taken too far.

My wife seems almost to be a magnet for these types of conversations. She’s one of those people who other people call when they’re going through any challenge, big or small. I think that’s partly because she has grown to be a person of wisdom, but even more so because she is a skillful empath.

Yet because she’s wise, she knows that truly identifying with someone through empathy can lead us to actually feel those emotions. This phenomenon can be exhausting, but it can also lead to poor counsel, inclining us to patently agree with the other entity, as we are, effectively, feeling the same emotion.

This is why Dr. Moira Somers, author of the financial advisor must-read Advice That Sticks, taught me years ago that the 201 tool in our kit that is preferrable to pure empathy is compassionate objectivity.

Why Compassionate Objectivity Is Preferable To Empathy

Whereas empathy can lead to emotional entanglement that can distort decision-making, compassionate objectivity acknowledges and validates emotions without being overtaken by them. Here are three more reasons why:

• It strengthens client trust. Clients need a steady hand—not someone who simply mirrors their distress.
• It improves decision-making. It balances genuine care with clarity, ensuring emotions don’t override sound financial choices.
• It protects the advisor from burnout. Maintaining a professional boundary avoids emotional exhaustion.

Would you like some practical examples about how you can do this, whether you’re a financial advisor or not?

5 Practical Tactics to Implement Compassionate Objectivity

1. Listen with presence, not absorption. Be fully engaged, but don’t take on the client’s emotional weight. Use phrases like, “I see how hard this is for you,” instead of, “I know exactly what you’re feeling.”
2. Validate without enabling. For example, “I can understand this feels overwhelming. My role is to help you take one step at a time, so you don’t have to carry this burden alone.” This communicates care but maintains role clarity.
3. Avoid further sensationalizing or labeling emotions. Avoid phrases like, “Oh, that’s horrible!” or “That’s amazing!” Emotions may be strong, but they are neither good nor bad; they just are. Therefore, superlative labels and exclamations are rarely helpful and can harm.
4. Broaden their perspective and stretch their timelines. Emotions are especially powerful in the present and tend to fixate on singular factors. Therefore, when emotions run high, expanding one’s perspective and gently bringing the conversation back to future well-being is beneficial. For example, “I know selling the house feels like an impossible decision right now. So let’s explore how this choice could serve your long-term security.”
5. Set emotional boundaries. Recognize when you’re feeling too much and step back to refocus on your role. Practice self-care to ensure you’re emotionally available but not drained, and if you know you’re heading into an exchange that is likely to be emotional, instead of responding to one more email or phone call, take five minutes to center and calm yourself.

What To Do When A Client Cries

Now we’re ready to address the question I posed at the top of this post: What do we do when a client cries in our presence? I learned this from one of the great sages of emotional navigation in the financial planning space, George Kinder, and what surprised me is that most of our go-to impulsions in this scenario are the wrong things to do:

• We should not jump up out of our chair (or leave the room) to grab a box of tissues and shove them toward the client. This signals surprise and abnormality and could make the client feel like this occurrence is a rarity. The better move is simply to ensure tissues are within arm’s reach in every client meeting room.
• We should not turn our gaze away from the client and “give them space.” This, again, signals that this is an unusual and uncomfortable situation. While it is absolutely difficult, the better move is to maintain comfortable and comforting eye contact and perhaps throw in a head nod.
• We should not pat them on the shoulder and tell them this will be alright. This signals, “Okay, it’s time for you to stop now.”

The good news is that emotions function somewhat like a wave. They build in intensity, crest, and then complete. So, too, will the emotions of your client. Your willingness to be there for them—to witness, guide, and reassure with your presence—all while sending the unspoken message that “This is totally normal and okay,” is the bulk of your work here.

And here’s the beauty of mastering this skill: By practicing compassionate objectivity, we don’t just become better financial advisors—we become better decision-makers, better leaders, and ultimately, better humans.

The next time you’re in a conversation where emotions run high—whether with a client, a friend, or a loved one—pause and ask yourself: “Am I about to absorb (or worse yet, counter) their emotions, or can I be a steady presence that helps guide them forward?”

Financial planning is about so much more than numbers; it’s about guiding people through some of life’s biggest, and often challenging moments. When we practice compassionate objectivity, we don’t just help clients navigate their emotions—we help empower them to make the best choices for their future.