Here’s how the EU system rewards high officials for failure

Every circus needs a clown. And this one has a truly awesome demo reel. 

Despite the Greens snagging 85 seats in the current German parliament, it turns out they’re about as useful to Friedrich Merz’s shiny new right-left establishment coalition with the Christian Democrats as a vegan menu at Oktoberfest. So they’re relegated to chilling on the Bundestag backbenches.

Annalena Baerbock, the former German Foreign Affairs Minister in ex-Chancellor Olaf Scholz’s government, could have coasted into parliament again via the Greens’ party list, even after losing her direct seat to Scholz himself. But she apparently had bigger plans. She’s just been tapped as the next President of the United Nations General Assembly.

Before officially packing up at the Foreign Ministry, her own department nominated her for the UN gig – an administrative role, largely ceremonial. Why her? Well, it’s Germany’s turn to fill the seat for a year starting in September, and a career diplomat was reportedly first in line. You know, someone who hadn’t become globally famous for flunking basic geometry. And well, that just can’t stand. Not when the face of German diplomacy is no longer being kept by German voters in the manner to which she has become accustomed.

Besides, just check out this CV.

In a moment that will live in infamy alongside Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, MLK’s “I Have a Dream,” Pericles’ Funeral Oration, and Churchill’s “We shall fight on the beaches,” Baerbock took the spotlight at the 2023 Munich Security Conference. Asked whether Ukraine would be safe long-term if Vladimir Putin stayed in power in Russia, she replied: “If Putin doesn’t change by 360 degrees, no.”

Apparently, she thinks a dizzy Putin would make all the difference. Perhaps it’s not the first time that Baerbock, a former gymnast, confused a 360 with a 180, and landed on her head at some point. Either way, German school-kids usually master this concept by age 10.

In another Baerbockism, during a January 2023 speech at the Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe, she said: “We are fighting a war against Russia and not against each other.” Cue her foreign ministry hastily clarifying that no, of course Germany hadn’t just declared war on Russia. It was just Baerbock talking again.

With all this experience as Germany’s walking, talking diplomatic banana peel, she was clearly destined for bigger things on the world stage. So who could possibly object to shipping her off to the UN?

Well, this guy, for one: “It is outrageous to replace the best and most internationally experienced German diplomat with an outdated model,” grumbled Christoph Heusgen, former chair of the Munich Security Conference, referring to career diplomat, Helga Schmid, reportedly slidelined in favor of Baerbock.

An outdated model? Bold words, Mr. Former Conference Chair! Excuse you, but trusty single-cylinder moped-grade intellectualism never truly goes out of style.

“Ms. Baerbock can learn a lot from [Schmid],” said former German Foreign Minister Sigmar Gabriel. What’s he suggesting? That Schmid moonlights as a geometry tutor?

So that makes two critics, including one who previously held Baerbock’s job. But surely these bitter old guys are alone in their skepticism towards this pioneer of feminist foreign policy.

No doubt it’s just a coincidence that “Mr. Eighteen Percent Popularity” Scholz beat her in her own riding. And that Statista pegged her approval rating at -0.7 on a scale from -5 to 5. And who really cares about that time she sounded kind of like she was unilaterally declaring war on Russia on behalf of Germany, or when she seemed unsure which country she was representing.

Like at a September 2022 forum when she said: “If I give the promise to people in Ukraine – ‘We stand with you, as long as you need us’ – then I want to deliver. No matter what my German voters think.” At the time, Germany was deindustrializing and its citizens were being crushed by energy costs. Both consequences of the very Ukraine policy Baerbock was committed to, with or without voter consent, as she suggested.

But look, Baerbock isn’t the only politician to turn a domestic faceplant into a corner office with a view at Global Governance Inc. Take European Commission President ‘Queen’ Ursula von der Leyen. No, please, take her, as former Chancellor Angela Merkel would say.

Before becoming the unelected President of the European Commission, von der Leyen served as Germany’s Defence Minister in Merkel’s government from 2013 to 2019. Known more for glamour shots in front of jets than for actually equipping them, her ministry apparently favored pricey consultants over functionality. One report noted: “There is neither enough personnel nor material, and often one confronts shortage upon shortage. The troops are far from being fully equipped.” Well, unless you count the broomsticks reportedly used during training exercises, and possibly sourced from Ursula’s personal garage.

Former European Parliament President Martin Schulz offered this glowing review of the current de facto Queen of the EU: “One thing is true, she ran in 2019 – but not for the European Parliament, but she ran away from her ministry in Germany.” He also tweeted in 2019: “Von der Leyen is our weakest minister. That’s apparently enough to become Commission president.”

Apparently, flunking your domestic portfolio is the new fast track to international prestige.

Just ask Mark Rutte. The Dutch Prime Minister became so politically radioactive that his coalition partners were getting scorched by mere proximity. He resigned twice: first over a child welfare scandal, then after failing to maintain unity on asylum policy. His solution? Bail and become NATO’s new Secretary General – essentially, the West’s chief weapons lobbyist.

Or consider Estonia’s Prime Minister Kaja Kallas. Her Reform Party slipped to third place under her leadership, dropping below 20 percent approval. As her coalition sank, she jumped ship and landed in Brussels as the EU’s chief diplomat. Voters back home were apparently less impressed, especially after her government’s tax hikes and perceived focus on Ukraine over Estonia.

Even more awkward: while Kallas was calling for Europe to cut all ties with Russia, her husband’s company, Stark Logistics, was still doing business there. But apparently, that kind of conflict of interest now screams “diplomatic credentials.”

So no, Baerbock’s story isn’t a bug in the system. It’s effectively the blueprint. The fall from grace at home just gives more momentum for the launch to cushy international posts. The moral of the story is clear: stumble locally, ascend globally. Even if your personal GPS is so busted that you can’t tell a U-turn from a 360.