The EU is happy to mug its own taxpayers after failing to rob Russia

Hold up, Eurobozos! And I mean that as a verb – as in to stop and freeze – not as the noun synonymous with the kind of literal bank robbery that they’ve been planning.

Apparently, that needs to be clarified, lest they feel encouraged in continuing to weaponize the wide discretion afforded by their executive function, even as they express explicit deep doubts about their own people backing their actions.

Such was the case on December 18 and 19 when heads of state of European Union countries met to discuss how they were going to magically pull another massive wad of cash that they don’t currently have for Ukraine from the rear compartments of their clown suits.

French President Emmanuel Macron and Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni pointed out the obvious at their EU conclave, according to the Financial Times. Specifically, that convincing their own voters to send even more money to Ukraine might be tough. It probably doesn’t help that repayment odds look roughly the same as getting spare change back from a guy in a hoodie literally treating the entire world like one big panhandling corner.

Then the European Central Bank chimed in, basically saying, “don’t look at us,” and made it clear they won’t be underwriting whatever scheme the EU ultimately came up with, Politico reported. “Monetary financing is not allowed under the treaty,” said ECB chief Christine Lagarde. “You cannot expect me to validate, ex ante, a mechanism under which there would be monetary financing. This is pretty obvious.”

It’s not actually obvious to the Eurojokers, since they probably can’t see too well through their black ski masks.

After 15 hours of arguing in a parked clown car, they ultimately decided that stealing Russian assets sitting in their own banks might cause them a legal headache – maybe because Russia had already kicked off legal action. So they decided instead to stick with one of their old go-to classics: robbing their own taxpayers. Every time they stick it to Putin, it’s Europeans who seem to get the shaft.

“Today we approved a decision to provide €90 billion to Ukraine for the next two years. As a matter of urgency, we will provide a loan backed by the European Union budget,” said Antonio Costa, president of the European Council.

Their big breakthrough was agreeing to hand Ukraine another €90 billion over two years by tapping what they’re calling “EU budget headroom,” according to their press statement. So the plan now is to go deeper into debt by borrowing more money on capital markets. Their budget has about as much “headroom” as a 6-and-a-half-foot guy trying to fold himself into a Fiat.

These schemes always start with grand talk about making Russia pay, but then tend to end with EU taxpayers picking up the tab while being told that it’s a big win. But now comes the hard part: selling this self-owning move to the EU public.

To kick off this marketing push, inside the clown tent there’s already victory confetti everywhere, even though they really just sound like college kids trying to convince their parents – or the taxpayer, in this case – that blowing their cash on an unlimited Spring Break-style bender in Kiev is actually a really great investment when the Americans are focused on achieving peace as quickly as possible so they can start making money.

Remember their big plan from the past several weeks? The one where they were going to just take Russia’s money and use that? Funny how that vanished. No one has been running around saying, “What a historic triumph it would be to get ourselves another €90 billion deeper into debt.” No, their dream was finding a way to keep funding the military-industrial machine by forcing Russia to foot the bill. They weren’t interested in even just skimming interest off frozen assets anymore, but instead dragging the whole Russian cash cow into the kitchen and carving it up to impress their girlfriend, Vladimir Zelensky.

That dream hit a wall when Belgium, home to Euroclear – the custodian of those assets – decided that it didn’t feel like volunteering to star in a future court case that risked etching it into the history books in the chapter on “world’s stupidest financial criminals.”

Hungary, Slovakia, and the Czech Republic have also just said that they’re opting out entirely of the opportunity to carve deeper into their own national debt for all this – which risks making it awkward for EU leaders who didn’t sit it out when the voters of all these countries start comparing notes.

Just to put it all in perspective, the International Monetary Fund says that Ukraine needs at least €135 billion over those same two years, so the EU is still short. Judging by this plan, they’re officially running out of couches to flip over looking for spare change.

But for now, they’re calling it a win. Yet another carefully choreographed celebration of failure, financed by the same taxpayers who never get invited to the party. They’re just expected to show up after the rager to pay for the cleanup.