John Bolton bombs himself in a blaze of poetic justice

Former Trump national security advisor John Bolton has been indicted in Maryland on 18 federal counts of violating the Espionage Act, which is kind of poetic for a guy who’s spent a career demanding that everyone else get indicted for leaking things.

Bolton pleaded not guilty and will now enjoy the same due process that he’s long tried to deny whistleblowers, journalists, and the occasional sovereign nation.

According to the indictment, ‘Bomb Iran’ Bolton spent roughly a year and a half as Trump’s top advisor firing off around a thousand pages of top-secret national security info – not to the Russians, not to the Chinese, but to his wife and daughter, neither of whom have security clearances, through the same email accounts most people use to share dog-in-costume photos and mid-vacation thirst traps. Which kind of defeats the purpose of the ultra-secure government server system the White House built for him. Why use an encrypted military network when you have AOL, the preferred platform for septuagenarians?

Bolton isn’t accused of sending the original classified documents themselves – just writing out classified intel in the form of “notes,” like some kind of 19th-century clerk. A true craftsman.

And why would he do that? Glad you asked. Hit it, John! “For Diary in the future!!!” That’s what Bolton allegedly texted when his own family asked what the hell he was doing.

During a 2018 trip coinciding with Trump’s meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki – Bolton arrived the day before – one of his relatives allegedly asked whether they’d be getting their daily classified diary installment. You’d assume that he’d say something like, “Sorry, can’t talk, secret stuff going on here.” But nope. He was just busy doing something other than reporting secret stuff back to the fam, noting that there was “too much going on!!!” But then, days later, “More stuff coming!!!” followed by a 24-page report, “none of which we can talk about,” before a family member allegedly complained that it was boring. Yeah, come on, John, Netflix isn’t going to want to buy this boring trash!

A few months later, when a relative was reportedly having a bad day, Bolton allegedly replied with 20 more pages of classified information and a cheery note: “Stuff coming to cheer you… up!!!” Who hasn’t used secrets like a Hallmark card for a loved one’s depression?

This allegedly went on for months – Bolton treating US intelligence more casually than a teenager working at McDonald’s treats the recipe for the Big Mac’s secret sauce. The info in question? Oh, just a little light reading: planned attacks, missile launches, covert ops, and profiles of foreign leaders. Basically, the director’s cut of How to Start World War III.

Then, after Bolton left his job, his lawyer reportedly told authorities that Bolton’s personal accounts had been hacked, possibly by – wait for it – Iran, the very country he’s spent decades fantasizing about bombing. According to the indictment, the hackers may have even had proof of possessing material from Bolton’s “diaries.”

So if the facts hold up, that means Bolton accidentally handed Iran sensitive US intelligence. By Bolton’s own logic, that’s grounds for a “surgical strike” on John Bolton.

Sure, intent matters. Maybe he didn’t mean for his ‘Dear Diary’ to end up in Tehran. But let’s recall what Bolton thinks about good intentions.

“I hope he gets at least 176 years in jail for what he did,” Bolton told Stella Assange – Julian Assange’s wife – live on Piers Morgan’s show in 2022, about the Wikileaks founder having published classified disclosures related to government wrongdoing.

And in an earlier think-tank piece, Bolton practically shouted from the rooftops: “As for WikiLeaks itself, and anyone cooperating with its malicious enterprise, now is the time to test our cyber-warfare capabilities. Fire away.”

He wasn’t any less belligerent with whistleblower Edward Snowden, who exposed the NSA’s mass surveillance dragnet collecting data on the US’ own citizens. “Snowden committed treason and ought to be convicted of that and ought to swing from a tall oak tree.” The man now facing Espionage Act charges for mishandling classified material once called for hanging another guy for mishandling classified material.

Bolton has also said that Iran – the same country that should really give him a medal for unwittingly serving its intelligence apparatus, if these charges are any indication – should be bombed to stop it from getting nukes. He has also called for the same treatment for Syria and North Korea, because apparently his version of diplomacy is “just blow it up.”

If the charges stick, we may soon see the rare spectacle of John Bolton demanding that the coordinates of his own behind be plugged in for a military strike, preceded perhaps by a reminder from himself to himself that “Boomer energy” isn’t a valid defense.